We include a clipping from our local paper, the ‘East London Errata’, from 03 Feb 2009:
Snowfall yesterday cost british businesses millions of billions of pounds. Confused citizens were baffled to discover Britain has no heavy duty snow ploughs to get desperate commuters to all-important jobs, despite heavy snowfall at least twice in 20 years. “It’s a bloody disgrace, I’m so ashamed to be British” said one Mervyn Apples of Pimlico, “it’s hard to believe we used to enslave three quarters of the globe and now we can’t even deal with this.” Bill Sandwich of Bethnal Green said “If Hitler struck now he would have just walked in; it makes you wonder what things are coming to”. Military analysts at Sandhurst later informed Mr Sandwich that Hitler was no longer a threat to the United Kingdom, but that waiting 50 years for it to snow and walking in may have been a viable alternative to his plan for aerial/amphibious assault.
Leading business analysts fear that millions of reams of paper that should be moved from one place to another may have to wait up to 24hrs to be put in their proper places. There were also fears that the ‘crunch’ of snow underfoot may also exacerbate the credit crunch in some mysterious and implausible, yet very real way. Also effected were parents whose children were forced to stay at home and throw snow at each other, “We don’t quite know what to do with them” said one Alice Chieftan-Tank of Angel, “These things want feeding in the middle of the day!” Another man, who wished to remain anonymous, panicked on Dalston Kingsland’s state of the art Overground Westbound platform, “I’m desperate to get to my desk, I might end up thinking about the meaning of life or something!”. Incidents of smugness from Canadians and others from the cooler climes of North America are also reported to be on the increase. A man from Maine was overheard in Clapham declaring that it was not snow. Tests carried out later by the Metropolitan Police later confirmed that it was indeed snow.
The cold has also effected the elderly. Three pensioners were so excited about the prospect of telephoning BBC radio 4 to complain about the inconvenience that they dropped dead. Patrick McMcson was discovered clutching a ballpoint with the single phrase ‘isn’t it about time…’ scrawled on his notepad. Another, Alan Purloin of Finchley, had stock letters compiled in advance for such an eventuality as far back as 1992. These will be read out at his funeral Thursday week.